Bat Problem

Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything—-noise, spray, cats—-nothing seems to scare them away.”

Another said, “Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated, and they still won’t go away.””

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church…haven’t seen one back since!”
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Thirteen States

“Johnny, name the fifty states,” instructed the teacher.

“I can’t, teacher”

“Why, when I was your age I could name all the states,” She scolded.

“Yeah, but then there were only thirteen,” answered Johnny.

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You wont go to jail

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn?t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, %26quot;Don?t worry. You?ll never have to go to jail with all that money.? And the lawyer was right.when the man was sent to prison, he didn?t have a dime

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A Stingy Guy

Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.

“Let’s go to the fair, Matt,” his wife said, “We haven’t been anywhere for a long time.”

Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, “All right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything.”

They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money.

Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small airplane.

“Fun flight!” the notice said, “$10 for 10 minutes.”

Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well.

“I’ve only got $10,” he told the pilot. “Can my wife come with me for free?” The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets, so he said , “I’ll make a bargain with you. If your wife doesn’t scream or shout, she can have a free flight.”

Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.

The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things. At one moment it was flying upside down.

When the plane landed, the pilot said, “O.K. your wife didn’t make a sound . She can have her ride free.”

“Thank you,” Matt said. “it wasn’t easy for her, you know, especially when she fell out.”

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Drink like a fish

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some one

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow a mystery.

Today is a gift.

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